Love yourself

I'm quite busy lately with my job. It takes me away for a while from thinking about my next destination. There are lots of things to do before the day. I make my own list. Hoping I can make it in time because after that I don't believe it's necessary for me pursue the list nor meeting it. Gosh, the list is so pack and complex at the same time.

Figuring what is next to come eagering me to move on. Guess life is not that easy after all. Life is not that perfect when we haven't got its meaning. It's up to us dechipering all of its meaning.

For some my life is easy as it sounds. The path is so smooth. As for me, I can't justify the value of it. I tend to harmonize it to suit my evey need. I love what going on with my life, every challenge and trouble I face everyday. Without it, life wasn't that interesting anymore. I face every difficulty without ignoring myself. I tried my luck even though in the end things didn't go my way. I get that satisfaction rather than holding myself and quiting with excuses. Just say whatever you want but I believe life must be like that. With challenge and barrier, man will never set foot on the moon. Trust yourself when others didn't. Don't think that life is simple as yourself. Simple life is good when things happen smoothly. It would be simple as it if life full of 'surprises'. To simplify my life, I get everything done in front of others.

There are time when had to let life drifts us along and fight from being drown. There are time when we have to hold on to something when we are not strong enough to fight. As for me, I have to let go everything I have just for another chance in life. I know I can't bear the burdens on my shoulders alone.

Never bother about others when they never appreciate what they're having. Love yourself. It doesn't mean that you're being selffish. When you love yourself, you love those who are around you because you yourself need to love and being cared. That's what 'love yourself' means.

Summon me...

Whenever you need me.... I'm always here for you
Keep me close to you, I wish not to lose you... Deep in my heart, there is a sorrow.. Keeping me away though my smiles always spurs out of nowhere...
I always have this fear... Fear of losing myself.. Losing all these wonderful precious memories....
I'm helpless, hopeless...
I just let the life leads me wherever it go...
If your ever know me, rememmber me...
Don't ever forget me though I never know you...
Now I'm here reminiscing my past, the glory of the prouds, the glory of the forgottens..

Probably my last call

It has been a while I haven't update anything in this blog. This blog is like a journey's diary.

I had made the biggest decision in my life. I'm the person who lives in the past. The get over with it, I need to leave it behind. Though I'm going to miss all the moments treassured.

There is no use to keep it. Recent event trigger my conscience to do so. I'm greatly stunned and devastated by such 'action' done by those whom my heart cared the most.

I might be weird for me being blurred by that time. I hope everyone will understand it. It's about time I 'give' what's inside. All the memories... What a life I had been through, I can make last call...

Few weeks left before the moments arrive in front of my eyes. Guess I'm not that lucku. I can accept that. I can't say sorry nor thank you. Just let life be like that. Perfect in its way; fragile and unique.

I have a new journey after that. Journey of life. Can't describe it yet. Hope the treatment is not that harsh. Same as always, the same with new perspectives. Gosh, I can't imagined it as I count the days left...

God I'm thankful for all your bless. Thanks for the great sorely imperfect life...

Show me the paths cause I might get lost along the way. I'm want to do everything I possibly could in life. Achieved what most people desire to.

I hope this is the best decision I ever made, for good and rest of it.

The true Machiavellian

This is based on true story of a Machiavellian, someone who strongly held this principal in this modern era. The founder of this principal is Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli which holds on "The end justify the end". The story described as below:

M: "I found the book about Machiavellian when I was an undergraduate. The book was quite interesting which has the same ideology with me; the end result is important. I spent a week reading to understand every content of the book. I realize that in order to maintain the stability of a nation, the power of influence and persuasion indeed the most important elements in order to execute anything which seems to be 'wrong' and make it look 'right' in public's eyes. No matter what methods(means) use to reach your objectives(end), it should be seen 'right' to the majority."

M: "When I start my career at local company, I use this ideology in good use; manipulating others own needs, weakness and exploiting it(emotion) to make them 'obey' every orders from me. Within months, I gain influence within the company and trust from the leaders. Every methods or ways that I do never being turn down. The phrase "It's time for you to do me a favor" is the name of the order."

M: "There was a man from a customer company seek help from me and he was in deep trouble. I help him without hesitate and calm him down saying "don't worry my friend, trust me, everything is going to be fine" and true, everything was going smoothly for him and ME. Whenever I in need of help involving his field as an executioner and decision maker, "help me like the way I help you before" and he obey it. And that's how I GAIN him and so with everyone. Make them believe us, and put them as 'dummy' in my plan. Comfort them whenever they need it, make them happy(cheer them up) and never let them felt small. That's why, nobody tries to go against my order even though they didn't like it. I terminate those who can pose threat on my 'regime', sabotage their prestige and take away their credit(make them look bad) and playing mind games with them(make friends)."

M: "I see that human needs and emotion easily spotted once you gained their trust. The trust they hold for the rest of their life. Make them felt like family, they wanted to be acknowledge, loved and cared. Once they got that, carefully 'inject' your plan slowly because your objective means the most. Never ever felt pity on them and never let your emotion takes control of everything. That is what true Machiavellist really was."

M: "I started to gain influence and support from every areas of people and I designed a plan that will changed the company atmosphere entirely. I gain trust and support from the executives and leaders and easily climbed the management ladder but I try not to push myself up so quickly. I try to avoid attention from certain 'people' "

M: "Yes, it was so silent, nobody expect your intent and everything that was done by you was 'fantastic' and they believe that is was the right thing to do."

M: "Until someday I decide to withdraw myself from this business, I started to felt bored with what I had done. I started to think about the people, their needs and cared about them. I lose sight on my objectives after reading a "book" which I can't described by words. Every content of it was so TRUE and PURE. Probably in time, I'll tell you about it. The book was about HOPE and FAITH that every person who in need of it(or lost)."

When did the last time you practice this ideology?

M: "Which one? Machiavellian? Not long ago."

Why did you do it?

M: "Well, even though I had changed and left it for good, something moves me to do it again. Actually I'm proud to be a Machiavellian. Let's call it the truth of all truth"

You mean about what you had told me just now? Is there any truth behind it?

M: "Yes. It would shocked lots of people once they know it. What I had planned so smoothly just to get my objectives. I was so sweet when it happens according to plan and I had just succeed it!"

M: "It was this subject that I had targeted that interest me during that time. I embraced anything possible in order to get close to the subject. I follow whatever 'it' want, look for whatever 'it' needs and absorb whatever the problems. By time, I able to 'get' what I want. Time by time, I make 'it' felt safe and follow anything I desire. I didn't aim high to avoid liability towards me. What a sinister plan isn't it? Well that's my specialties. When the time has come and things happen according to my well designed plan, I created possible scenes in order to get the 'process' flows smoothly according to my plan without the need to feel guilty. Now the subject live without knowing the true story behind it. I had accomplished my objectives. It's kind of fun you know, playing around without being blamed. That's all. To get truth of all truth 'you', 'it', 'they', 'them' needs to meet me to know the truth, I won't reveal it publicly. Come to me to know the truth. Prepared to be shocked about the truth. Man, people going to kill me after they found out the truth haha...it's up to them to know the truth"

That's look really ...... I can't described it in words. Well thanks for sharing Mr Machiavelli.

M: "Indeed. You're welcome."

Now that was the true story from a person who once hold strongly on this ideology. Everyone has desire to be what they want, it's only our way and method of reaching our goal is important not the result. Truth of all truth? Hmm I wonder what does he means by that. Did he 'planned' all this? Better try not to think about this. it's so twisted.

Cinta 18cm

Hari-hari berlalu begitu indah bagiku kerana di masa kesusahan dan gembiraku dia senantiasa bersamaku. Aku meletakkan kepercayaan kepadanya dengan sepenuh hati walaupun beza antara kami berdua hanyalah 18cm. Hidup begitu indah di awal permulaannya tiada yang cacat celanya dan aku merasakan hidup begitu bermakna.

Tanpa ku sedari, hujan turun di tengahari...kepercayaan yang ku letakkan telah dikhianati...namun aku redha kerana ia bukan hak aku...

Seorang kawan pernah berkata "tiada maknanya mencintai orang yang tidak mencintai kita apa seadanya" lalu aku mengambil keputusan untuk menamatkan 'cerita' itu tanpa membiarkan ia berlanjutan sekaligus menghancurkan hati yang telah sedia remuk...aku bukan buah catur sesuka hati menunggu untuk dipilih...

Remuk kerana apa yang aku usahakan, apa yang ku rancangkan 'mati' di tengah jalan...tiada lagi "10 langkah di hadapan" kerana "langkah itu telah terhenti"

Bila kepentingan diri menguasai maka keluarlah alasan demi alasan untuk mempertahankan diri, malangnya bagi ku itu bukan alasan tapi itu adalah 'fitrah' untuk menyenangkan diriku ini. Yang terbaik tapi bukan pilihan yang terbaik jadi apakah alasannya? Itu menyebabkan diri terasa bodoh. Jika itu 'alasannya' mengapa memberi 'peluang'?

18cm walaupun tidak besar bezanya tapi itulah 'beza' yang diungkapkan untuk mematikannya...Simbolik itulah itu (bak kata orang Sabah)

Kini hidup diteruskan untuk suatu destinasi...Kawan? Sentiasa bersamaku, tidak tahulah 'kawan' tu, mungkin aku lali dengan hidup ini...bosan? mungkin tidak...cuma ku khuatir masa...masa telah banyak mengubah...sebulan sudah cukup untuk mengubah hati manusia tapi aku masih seperti dulu cuma sebahagian dari diriku mula hilang...I'm still the same person then who has changed?

Hanya kerana 18cm aku terseksa...rakan-rakan ku kecewa..mengapa 18cm? Tapi in the end of the day, pasti kata-kata "orang-orang yang teraniaya pasti...."

I'm happy being freed from 'this' chain and God shows me before it's too late and shows who she really was..Thanks God for revealing it earlier before I'm disappointed, if it weren't because of You, I wouldn't know who she really was and you tell me what was 18cm really is. God, you saved me. I put my TRUST on you because it's hard for me to trust others even they ask for it.

My advice:

Careful when someone says that they love you, probably they are so desperate in love and you might end as loneliness substitute for them. Love someone who really loves you, you can see that in his/her eye and wills'.

Once you noticed that they act differently ask them for the truth. End it before it gets painful for you to accept. My mistakes; I never care to notice her behaviors which is different than the one I saw before. I noticed it but I thought she was in blue so I try my best to cheer her out. At least I'm better off without her.

A story...

Got this from my pal,


this is a GUY TALKING...

ITS 7TH GRADE...


I stared at the girl next to me...She was my so called 'best friend'... I
stared at her... Long, silky hair... And I wished she was mine... But she
didn't notice me like that... I knew it... After class she walked up to me
and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before... And I handed
them to her... She said 'thanks'.... And gave me a kiss on the cheek... I
wanted to tell her... I want her to know that I don't want to be 'just
friends'... I love her but I'm too shy to tell her... And I don't know
why...



IT'S JUNIOR YEAR...


My phone rang... On the other end it was her... She was in tears... Mumbling
on and on about how her love had broken her heart... She asked me to come
over because she didn't want to be alone... So I did... As I sat next to her
on the sofa... I stared at her soft eyes... Wishing she was mine... After 2
hours... A Drew Barrymore movie... And 3 bags of chips... She decided to go
to sleep... She looked at me.. Said 'thanks' and gave me a kiss on the
cheek... I wanted to tell her... I want her to know... That I don't want to
be 'just friends'... I love her but I'm too shy to tell her... And I don't
know why...

IT'S SENIOR YEAR...


The day before prom.... She walked to my locker... 'My date is sick' she
said... He's not going to go... Well... I didn't have a date and in 7th
grade... We made a promise that if neither of us had dates... We'd go
together just as 'best friends'... And so we did...




IT'S PROM NIGHT...


After everything was over with... I was standing at her front door step... I
stared at her ... She smiled at me... I wanted her to be mine... But she
doesn't think of me like that... And I know it... Then she said 'I had the
best time... Thanks!'... And she gave me a kiss on the cheek... I wanted to
tell her... I wanted her to know that I don't want to be 'just friends'... I
love her but I'm just too shy... And I don't know why...
IT'S GRADUATION DAY...


A day passed... And then a week... And then a month... Before I could
blink... It was graduation day... I watched her... Perfect body.... Floated
like an angel up on stage to get her diploma... I wanted her to be mine...
But she doesn't think of me that way... And I know it... Before everyone
went home... She came to me in her smock and hat... And cried as I hugged
her... Then she lifted her head from my shoulders and said 'you're my best
friend'... 'Thanks!'... And gave me a kiss on the cheek... I wanted to tell
her.. I wanted her to know that I wanted to be more than 'just friends'... I
love her but I'm too shy... And I don't know why...

IT'S A FEW YEARS LATER....


Now I sit in the pews of the church.... A church that she is getting married
in now... I watched her say 'I do' an drive off to her new life... Married
to another man... I wanted her to be mine... But she didn't see me like
that... And I knew it... But before she drove away... She came to me and
said 'You came!... Thanks!'.... And she kissed me on the cheek... I wanted to
tell her... I wanted her to know that I didn't want to be 'just friends'... I
love her but I'm just too shy... And I don't know why...



YEARS PASSED...


I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my 'best friend'... At
the service they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school
years... This is what it said... 'I stare at him... Wishing he was mine...
But he doesn't notice me like that.... And I know it... I wanted to tell
him... I wanted him to know... That I don't want to be 'just friends'... I
love him but I'm just too shy.... And I don't know why... I wish he would
tell me he loved me'... I wish I did too... I thought to myself and I
cried....

Some tales...

This is the story of someone...Let's call him Mr. M

Well Mr M starts his life as a normal person. He even grown up as nice and raised in a good family. Unlike most people, he has a bad experiences of being betray from a group of people who called themselves as FRIENDS and BROTHERS when he was 18. The experiences that he'll never forget when he had to faced the ugly side of life. Mr M is just a naive person and never expects that life is so DARK during that time. There no one offered help to him during difficults time, he go through it by himself with the scar that he'll never forget.

A year after, he made a bow never to trust, let anyone to take advantage of him and he say "let's make it fair and square shall we". It's hard when we have to make such bow to ourself but he did it. Along that, he learns some dark secret of life, he starts to outsources even out of those of his age. Revenge is sweets but he never thought of doing so with what he have.

He accepts that life is unfair because it's made so for us to learn our weakness. When we learn, we try to fix it along the way. There is nothing can't be fix except a death person. He starts to learn that his expertise can be in good use for him supports his life. Freelance for hired. He starts it from the simplest of job fixing a death computer to multitasking complex assignment. Day by day he improve himself by aquiring new knowledge and broaden his perspective about the world himself. There are more needs for people like him and along the way he finds new friends who share the same view and hunger to get what they desire the most. He can manipulate and control situations in anyway he can as he become one of the most powerful person doing the jobs at the back without anyone knows him except his collegues and partners(friends).

After completing his studies from university, his business network growth rapidly within a small area and now it comprehend almost the whole country. He has many associates around the country who is willing to help him and cooperate in any business. Life is like a piece of cake for him. At that age he is able to get anything he wants but wealth never blinds him, he offered helps to those in needs because he understand how difficults life could be without anyone offering a helping hands. For him, anyone joys is his joys even to a stranger. Somehow he never told his family about such business.

One day a person asks him to keep something that is considered as highly confidential and dangerous in the country. He decided to accept the assignments and kept his words. As for the confidential informations, he keep safe it until the time arise. Nobody knows about it, nobody knows that he is holding it, and nobody knows where and who kept it as the person who gift the informations cease in a car accident. That informations can leads to a serious problems if it falls to the wrong hands.

Years past, Mr M live his life in simplicity without anyone notice about his real life even his close neighbour. When they asked him what he is doing for a living he answered: working for the boss. Yes he is working for PEOPLE part time while working at a company to prevent his real life known to those near him. He didn't want unwanted attentions about his real life from others.

One thing that differs him from normal person is that he never stop working to earn his life. He knows that nothing goes easy in life without hardwork. Never did he knows that such lifestyle would affects his life forever until one day. He felt that his body going against his will to work, so decided to take abreak for a moments. Few days past, his will is deterioriting even his his health. He started to get migrain and pain all on certain parts of his body. Unwilling to lose hope he met a specialist with a help from an old friend...

The result disappoint him the most. He suffered from an excessive usage of his body. It's matter of time for him... For weeks he thought and live in recluse from his friends accompanied by his love one. It's so ironic for him when he chase his own dreams he neglected 'something' precious in his life. There is nothing to regret for him as he has done anything he could do in his life except having a normal life just like ordinary people.

Few months later he decided to call it a day. He passed down his business and all his properties to a trusted friend of his and leave. He left behind most of it so that he wouldn't bother more about it. He wants to walk around like a normal person without anyone drive him along, he wants to eat what normal people eat, he want to feel how normal person faces their problem in everyday life and enjoying the beauty of life with his own fragile life... he ensure that nothing left unfinished and he able to return home without anyone knows that he is leaving.

Arriving to his hometown, he starts to appreciates how great it's to be a normal person. No matter how hard it's, how painful the life offered to him and how small he is when facing those who is influential and powerful as he was before, and proud with their status, he is thankful with the time given he is able to do what he wished and missed the most; his family and friends. At least, this is what he can do...

To be continued...